I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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