you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
