I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you never un-have a 4some
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
