Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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