At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
