My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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