I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
