Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Jerry, you need to find god
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
