You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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