Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
