If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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