I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
