Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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