you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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