yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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