I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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