Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I think your dad took our porno
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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