If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
