Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
