did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
