maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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