Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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