"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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