I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
