dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
