She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
