When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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