He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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