I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
