There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Randomize
