i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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