it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
