Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I still have a little drunk in my system
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
