Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
