i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
