erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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