I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
