he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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