another moral hangover. fuck.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
