Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
