Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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