She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
