6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
