Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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