mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
