Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
