We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
