Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
