I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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