I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
